Frieda Ferrick’s Blog

Sometimes when you are feeling down, lonely and/or depressed, you might get the urge to shop. What are some of your thoughts as you drive over to the mall and start looking at clothes, shoes, furnishings, jewelry or whatever. You will write checks or use your credit card. It will feel exciting in the moment. It can feel as though all is well in your world. Then you take all your great stuff home. Perhaps you show someone what you got, or you  might hide it out of shame. But whatever you do, after time passes you are still left with yourself. You are still left with your feelings and then you are left with having to pay for these items andthe possibility that  you  went over  your budget.

Spending money can feel exciting, it can take the edge out of feeling lonely and depressed.  But when the night comes whatever issues you have will still be there.  Plus you will have to pay for what you bought.
So now the question is, can you bear to look at what really is going on with you? Can you have the courage to look beyond the obvious,  look deep inside your being and deal with your real issues?

There can be possible unhappiness in your relationship(s), work, or unresolved deep painful feelings about yourself.  So what are some ways that you can start to work on your issues?  Well the first step is admitting you have a problem.  Then there is a variety of ways to deal with your spending money.  If you live with someone the second step is admitting to him or her that you are needing help with your spending.  Another step is to make a spending plan but really you might need to do more than that if this has been going on for awhile.  You might need to talk to a professional counselor to start the steps you need  to  move forward in your life.

 Are you dissatisfied with some  or all of your relationships? Is it hard for you to move on?  Does it seem that you are angry for a long time at someone?  Is it starting to affect your life?  I wonder if you realize that  these feelings are holding you back in your life.  Here are some ideas to help you change something that you have lived with for a long time.

Sometimes it may seem as though other people are letting you down so you hold on to your feelings even though it is not helping you really understand what is going on with you.  Perhaps it is easier to just be angry than to look more deeply at what really is going on. 

Here are some questions to help you sort out if you are holding on to something that is not healthy for you or if you are.

1.  Is it hard for you to let go of your angry feelings?

2.  Do you seem to not be able to celelebrate other people’s happy occasions?

3.  Do you feel unhappy most of the time?

4.  Are you ready to make some changes?

5.  How do you let go and move on?

The first most important realization is to understand that you are unhappy and ready to make some type of change.  The second thing is what are you going to do now?  Making changes can seem overwhelming if you do too many changes at the same time.  It helps to make a plan and work on small effective changes.

That saying baby steps, may have seemed silly but taking small steps can help you make changes and not feel so overwhelmed.

Today is the day you can start making those changes.  You can try it on your own or you can receive professional help to help you move out of the rut you are in and move forward in your life.

I believe strongly in the resiliency of the human spirit.  People can heal, they can learn how to make better choices in their lives.

Therapy is a journey of the heart, mind and spirit working towards health.  It is two people in a room who have connected during their time working together.

What does it mean to grow older?  Either we will die young or we will grow old.  Yet we rarely talk about what this meant to us individually or collectively.

Most of us face fear on different levels.  It can be something small or something huge.  Research write about your fears, talk to trusted people.

If you live long enough, grief and loss will be part of your life.  It’s knowing when a “door closes somewhere a window will open.”

My work with clients deals with feelings of suffering because of grief and loss.  My hope is that people can heal, change and grow and make good choices.

Healing can happen when there is non-judgement, love, concern and knowledge between two people.

One thing we know to be true is that change will happen whether we are ready or not.

A sense of humor, kindness and a sense of fairness will take you far.

Connect with your joy, get silent, cultivate compassion, maintain your body, give with true feelings, read powerful books and surround yourself with real friends. 

A sense of humor will serve you well through good time and through tough times.  It will open up your mind and heart

Every day is a chance to live life to its fullest potential.  Every day can you have time for family, friends, work and joy?  We don’t know what day will be our last.

Are you in love, crazy about each other and  don’t understand why you fight so much.  How can two people who started off so strong,  could talk for hours yet have such a hard time?  It is simple, when you first were dating the world around  you was not in focus.  Once you came back to earth, that is when the problems started.

How do you get back to the original feelings and become stronger in your relationship?  There are several steps that need to be taken in order for you to move forward in your relationship.

1.  You both need to feel committed to each other and to the relationship.

2.  It is crucial that you talk about  your feelings often and not let tension and other hard feelings build up.  The second part of this is to learn how to talk to each other without harshness and being critical, or you  will be tuned out.

3.  It is important to spend special time with each other so that you keep re-connecting with what brought you together in the first place.

4.  When you talk to each other,  listen  carefully to each other, do not form answers or drift off.  This is when mis-communication can happen.

5.  Learning about each other’s childhood, what went well and what was difficult, helps you to understand why each of you do certain things.  An example of this would be, if one of you grew up feeling that your parents were critical of you all the time, you might not take suggestions well from your partner.  If you can talk about this you will save yourself alot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

6.  You have to be persistant if you want this relationship to keep moving forward.

If you feel that you cannot do this on your own, it is time to receive professional help.  You can get some referrals from a trusted source or go online and check out several couple’s counselors and see if they are a good fit for you and your partner.

This is an important journey.  Take it seriously, but don’t forget to laugh and have fun.  Good Luck!

     When you experience a loss and you have emotions welling up, what you are experiencing is grief.  Grief  can feel like a huge wave threatening to knock you down. It feels difficult and every day may feel challenging.  You start to wonder when will this be over and will I ever survive.

     Grieving has no magical middle and ending.  What does happen is that it begins over time to be less intense. We are all different in the way we handle our emotional life.  Some people shut down, some people ride the rollar coaster of grief with an outpouring of feelings. 

     Time is an important factor in helping us deal with grief.  Over and over I have heard clients say that even though they still feel their losses, it is not as intense.  They can start to come back to their lives again.

     What helps individuals with these intense feelings?  Again it depends on what kind of person you are.  Are you intensely private?  Do you do well sharing with people?  If you are a very private person, but need to talk to someone, talking to a grief counselor can be helpful.  If you learn by interacting with others, a grief group can be very useful.  You get to share your story, your pain, and you get to hear how others have dealt with their losses which may help you feel less alone.

     If you feel stuck, just know that you don’t have to walk this path alone, you are entitled to have professional help. Being supported can help the healing process in unexpected ways.

     Is it important to know if there is a difference between depression and grief?  How can it really matter?  Grief can be profound sadness over a loss.  It can feel huge and it can feel as though it will never get any better.  The reality about grief is that it takes time to become adjusted to  your loss and time will start to shift your prospective of how you are feeling.

     Appropriate grief takes it time before it allows you to start taking back your life.  It can feel like getting over a flu that has taken a hold of you.  What starts to happen for many people is that at some time, you start to be interested in your life again.

     Depression can be anywhere from a mild form to clinical depression which takes over a person so that it is very hard to participate in life.  It can be very difficult to work, sleep, eat, relate to other people.  Depression can cause people over time to shut down. 

     Grief is a natural reaction to loss.  Loss of a loved person, loss of a marriage, a relationship, a job, a pet and so it takes time to adjust to being without the person or situation.

     Depression can be precipated by an event or it can be a chemical imbalance in your brain or it can be something that has been stirring for a very long time inside of you.

     It is important to be able to sift through what is going on with you and get appropriate help.  The longer the depression or grief goes on the longer it will take to get back to your life.  Please talk to a professional and work out what is going on with you.  Get the support you deserve in order to  live  your life in the healthiest way possible..

Are you using food to manage difficult feelings?  Feelings such as sadness, anxiety, anger  and lonliness can be damped down by eating excessively.  The positive aspect of overeating is that you are trying to take care of yourself and you are trying to manage difficult feelings.  The problem with over-eating is that you still are left with the original problems and you might be harming your health by eating foods that are not good for you.  So, what can you differently?

RECOGNIZE YOUR TRIGGER FEELINGS

First of all, you have to recognize when you are being triggered by a feeling.  Before you can change your behavior, you have to know that something is not right.  Let’s say someone you love is upset with you for whatever reason.  You might start to feel anxious inside, old feelings can surface making you feel unsafe, unloved or left behind, abandoned.  So you reach for that cookie, that chocolate bar and you start eating.  For a short while your mind goes away from those difficult, unwanted feelings.  Then later you feel upset with yourself because, your body feels, perhaps, unpleasantly stuffed and the anxiety is lurking somewhere inside of you.  So now you feel guilty because you overate and you still are feeling unsafe, unloved or abandoned.

HOW CAN YOU LEARN TO STOP USING FOOD AS A DRUG?

What can you do instead?  How can you change behaviors that you have been using for a long time?

*Recognize what you are feeling when you begin to overeat.  What is that feeling?  What causes it?

*Have some alternatives ready to do other than eating. You can make telephone calls to friends You can exercise or take a walk around the block.

*Have a support system where you can communicate your feelings.  Do you have a sibling or a friend that you’re close with?  Keep that phone number in your favorites and hit dial when you recognize your oncoming trigger feeling.

*Have a journal handy to write  down what is going on and how you are feeling.

*Be gentle with yourself, change takes time.

CONSIDER HOW YOU WANT TO GO ABOUT MAKING YOUR CHANGES

You can try to make changes on your own.  Alternatively, you can try to make changes with a buddy or you can join a support group such as overeating, anonymous or Weight Watchers.  Individual therapy or a therapy group can help you because you can talk to an understanding therapist or peers.

Most of us face fear on different levels all the time.  It can be something that is small or it can be huge and keep us from accomplishing what we have set out to do.  Fear can be also something that we have blown out of proportion and making it seem  unmanageable.  Our secret inner critic can be talking to us saying we can’tdo that new project or we will fail if we attempt to reach for something out of our comfort zone.  So, whenever we think of starting something creative, something important to us, there can be something holding us back and we don’t always know why.

What Is At The Top Of Your Fear List?

It might feel almost as though our fear is ruining our lives, bit by bit.  How do we make this unwieldy interference become something we can deal with?

Sometimes we can manage on our own and sometimes we need professional help.

Use These Simple Steps To Create a Different Reality for Yourself

*Do some research on what you are attempting to implement.  As an example, if you want to start a small business, it would be helpful to have some information on how to get started, how to make a business plan and so on.

*Write out your vision and steps you need to take.  Depending on the situation, it can be helpful to create a fear list to see what keeps you stuck.

*Talk to trusted people that will encourage you and know how to ask helpful questions.

*Meditate and/or pray on having the inner strength to keep moving forward.

Fear can keep you down, but if you acknowledge your worries, you can take steps to make changes.  It also helps to know that you are not alone.

It is hard to watch people you love suffer, whether it be from an illness, a bad relationship, financial woes, or addiction issues.  It is difficult to see someone struggling in their life and it is difficult to stay clear of our need to help that person.  There is also the issue of guilt.  If the  person we love fails to resolve their issues and they continue to do poorly, we struggle with the sense that perhaps we should do more for them.

It is important to figure out what you can do for your family member or friend, and what he or she needs to do on their own.

It is crucial to distinguish helping from being co-dependent.  Co-dependency means you help someone to the point of harming yourself and/or you help someone and enable them to continue their unhealthy behavior.

What is Codependency?

Ask yourself these questions to find out if you’re really being helpful.

1.  When asked to help, can you do it without resentment?

2.  Are you jumping in to help before you are ever asked?

3.  Are you being asked to do something he or she can really do themselves?

4.  Are you taking care of your health during this time of your family members’s problem?

5.  Are you able to delegate or simplify tasks so you have time for important relationships?

You might have to work harder than you normally do when a family member or friend needs extra help or support.  It helps if you can keep things in perspective and in balance.

Take Care of Yourself to Help Prevent Co-dependency

Periodically evaluate what is important to you in your life.  What is important to you to incorporate in your life to keep yourself healthy?

Some Ways To Take Care of Yourself Are Personal

What works for one person might work or not work for another.  Some people find journal writing helpful to connect to themselves and their thoughts.  Others might want to work on arts and/or crafts  projects.  While others find meditation to be helpful in keeping them grounded and feeling more positive.  Some people do well having a therapist to talk to about whatever issues arise or past issues that are keeping the person from moving forward in their lives.

Some Ways To Take Care of Yourself are Universal

*Exercise

*Proper diet

*Enough sleep

*Friends or some type of community to connect with

Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, please find a way to implement some small changes and keep moving forward.

     So you came to the decision that you want to talk to a therapist, a counselor and  it can feel daunting, how do you pick someone?

     That is a very good question.  How do you find someone who will fit your needs and your personality?  Can you find someone who is smart, friendly and  non-threatening? 

     It can feel overwhelming  to come to a decision to move forward in your life, and then have to go through the  process of choosing someone.

     Well, there are several options, one you could ask someone you trust to refer someone to you.  Someone like a teacher, a doctor, a trusted friend.  Or, you could, as so many people are now doing, search online.

     You can do a web search for, counselors, counseling, therapy, marriage family relationships, and so on in your area.  You can also  search  with words such as depression, anxiety, grief and loss that might describe how you are feeling.  Then you can go to that counselor’s website and check out what they look like and what they say.  Narrow it down to 2 or 3 and then you can call them.  Some therapists will give you a few free minutes on the phone.  You can ask a few questions, and get a sense of them.  If you are not happy you can go back to the internet and do  some more searches. If you feel like one or two of them were someone you could talk to, you can make an appointment.

     So, you have set up an appointment and you go see someone.  It might take a few sessions to feel if this is the right person for you or you might know right away that you want to work with this person.  In the first session the counselor ususally has paper work for you to sign, and some things to explain. Then you get to start to work on the issues that brought you there in the first place.

     I want to wish you well on this most important journey.  If something isn’t right talk to the counselor, try to work it out.  If you don’t feel heard, you can always look and find someone who will hear you.